Saturday, March 28, 2009

Letting Myself Love Her

I hate to admit this, but I realized a few days ago that I have not been fully allowing myself to love our new daughter. I am happy and excited, but have continued to guard my heart. I've been telling myself it would be too painful to let her all the way in. I've let my past experience hinder my present joy, and it's just not right.

So I'm allowing myself to daydream about her. What it will be like to see her face in person, hold her, smell her and touch her hair. I've looked at little girls clothes and thought of how beautiful she would look. I've pictured her in her bedroom and what it will be like to tuck her in at night.

I'm letting her be my daughter and thanking God that He is allowing me to be her mother with my whole heart. The kind of mother she deserves.

13 comments:

Lena Wright said...

I'm glad you're letting her in-that you realized what was happening. It's so hard, and yet, it will be worth it.

Love ya!

livingpurereligion said...

I'm so glad to read this!

Praying for you guys~

Annie said...

Well....frankly.....I don't blame you a bit, and by ceasing to guard your heart you are taking a risk. It is not something that you need to do. When she is yours it will be soon enough to believe it is real. But, I don't think that I could deny myself the dangerous joy of hope and love either.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That goes for more than romantic love, most certainly.

lizzie said...

oh, stephanie, it's so evident that you are in love with this girl wholeheartedly! I'm so glad to her that you have decided to let yourself. Praying for you guys.

Kathy said...

I think it is natural to guard your heart from more pain. Joy will come in the morning.

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, and what a precious little girl to fall in love with! Enjoy your precious journey.

Kathy Eden said...

Ditto to all of the above! I can't wait until she is home with you & your daydreaming is a reality!
I can't stop looking at her pictures when you post them...she is soooooooooo beautiful!

Michelle said...

That is sooooo wonderful Stephanie. So glad to read this.

Katy said...

I understand how painful it would be after your heart was torn apart. I am so glad that she is finding her way to her Mama's heart, and that she will be loved by you.

The Gang's Momma said...

I remember feeling slightly this way, after our failed referral this past summer. Not nearly as devastated as you must have felt, but I do remember guarding myself a bit. Thanks for sharing your heart so honestly. And I'm so happy for you - and for her!!!

Kristina said...

Let her in girl! She is sooooo beautiful! Every time I see her picture I keep saying in my head, I am so lucky to be friends with her mom because I will get to meet her and know her!

Jonas saw this picture and asked if she was his friend. Hope you don't mind I told him YES!

Leslie said...

That is great, Stephanie. Praying for God to give you faith and courage as you open your hearts again.

Wife to the Rockstar said...

I can so relate.