I got some unexpected news this morning that there was still a chance we would get our visa today. I had pretty much given up hope this weekend that the escort situation would happen and was a bit relieved to not have any expectations for the day. So when hope showed up knocking at my door I was a bit surprised. Sadly, after a few agonizing hours we learned there was no visa and hope departed as quickly as she came.
I am just really struggling right now trying to understand any of this. I'm disappointed and angry. The escorting opportunity seemed like such a great answer to the financial end of this.
I am tired of every single step being hard. I am tired of not wanting to leave the house for having to tell people we are still waiting. I'm tired of agonizing over every dollar we spend and feeling guilty if we do something fun with the kids instead of saving the money to go to Ghana. I am tired of hoping, wishing, and praying for this to happen. I am tired of feeling weak or pitied. I am tired of feeling like a failure in my faith for the things that run through my head - doubts, fears, anger.
I'd love to tell you I have great peace and that I am just sitting around grinning from ear to ear waiting patiently on the Lord, but that wouldn't be true or real. I wanted so badly for this journey to inspire others to open their hearts to adoption, but I doubt this road trip would inspire anyone.
And please, oh please, don't tell me God's timing is perfect. I know it in my heart, but right now I'm trying to reconcile it in my head.