Monday, March 29, 2010

Hope Wasn't on the Agenda Today

I got some unexpected news this morning that there was still a chance we would get our visa today. I had pretty much given up hope this weekend that the escort situation would happen and was a bit relieved to not have any expectations for the day. So when hope showed up knocking at my door I was a bit surprised. Sadly, after a few agonizing hours we learned there was no visa and hope departed as quickly as she came.

I am just really struggling right now trying to understand any of this. I'm disappointed and angry. The escorting opportunity seemed like such a great answer to the financial end of this.

I am tired of every single step being hard. I am tired of not wanting to leave the house for having to tell people we are still waiting. I'm tired of agonizing over every dollar we spend and feeling guilty if we do something fun with the kids instead of saving the money to go to Ghana. I am tired of hoping, wishing, and praying for this to happen. I am tired of feeling weak or pitied. I am tired of feeling like a failure in my faith for the things that run through my head - doubts, fears, anger.

I'd love to tell you I have great peace and that I am just sitting around grinning from ear to ear waiting patiently on the Lord, but that wouldn't be true or real. I wanted so badly for this journey to inspire others to open their hearts to adoption, but I doubt this road trip would inspire anyone.

And please, oh please, don't tell me God's timing is perfect. I know it in my heart, but right now I'm trying to reconcile it in my head.

10 comments:

Stephanie said...

i love that you said "and please, oh please don't tell me that God's timing is perfect..." Isn't is so true that when people don't know what to say that they just say things that don't help much at all. Wish I could just sit with you tonight and just be with you.

Michelle said...

I completely understand my friend, and I think your realness is inspiring. I am so incredibly sorry and perplexed that you have had the road you have had. Please know you are not alone and I love you and am praying for you.

Proverbs31Wife said...

Oh, my dear new friend. Adoption has brought us into the ranks of friendship and I am so thankful to have had YOU to share this journey with!!! The Lord doesn't expect us to know everything we need to know BEFORE the challenges otherwise we would be perfect and He doesn't have to teach us anything! I have said it before, but it bears repeating to the masses: Our Diversities are God's Universities!
He is preparing you in some real way. And the LABOR of this trial is so painful. But nevertheless, we will see why it is necessary someday. I will miss you in MO tomorrow. Bittersweet. Love, Shauna

Sean and Lisa said...

Sweet friend, I have no words...wish I could just hug you.
Know that we are praying for you and that Mercy is a household word around here. LOL! The little's often pray for her by name all on their own.
Covering you and praying for miracles!!
Much love!

Kristina said...

Now I really know we are sisters!
And remember, Jesus loved Thomas too!
Praying for you!

Kathy C. said...

I hate when people say it's God's timing when really it's man's screw ups. Hugs.

Kristie, the Chapter Two Manmi said...

I understand, Stephanie. I still tell my children that I don't know why God made our papers take three years and that I had a horrible time trusting him through it. I tell them about the tears, the angst, anger and my struggles as I could do nothing to get them home faster despite trying everything I knew to.
Your pain and agony is real. I pray for you!

Kristie, the Chapter Two Manmi said...

I should have added...I also tell my children that God had reasons I don't understand and may never know...and that it's OK to feel sad, mad, frustrated when things seem wrong and unjust. It's the same thing I tell them when talking about how they came to be born into poverty and then relinquished to me. Be real to you.

mlg said...

I think adoption stretches us to the breaking point, I know that I have been where you are at thinking that it will never come to an end, and trying to save every penny while feeling that I am neglecting my other children's needs. It is ok to have bad days and feel disappointed and angry, you are human you will come out of this experience a stronger person! Hang in there this too shall pass!

Tanya said...

Lord, give Stephanie another glimmer of hope! Give her strength to make it through the final, painful, agonizing steps to cross the finish line of this long marathon. Please bring Mercy home!!